All You Must Know About Toxic Positivity

Sandhya Rajayer writes about why toxic positivity is not okay and how some positive words can actually be toxic to your mental health.

Brilliant! Awesome! Great! Fantastic! 

These are some of the responses we get when we routinely ask our friends and acquaintances how they are. And sometimes our intended response of “I’m not okay”, “a bit low”, “just blah”, gets stuck in our throat. In other words, when the world insists it’s all sunny up here, I don’t get permission to feel different to them. And instead of feeling good for reaching out, I begin to feel like I have brought home a B grade report card, yet again.  

Perhaps this low level anxiety was just a niggling feeling you had when you sent out invitations for a Diwali or Christmas party at your place hoping to beat the pandemic blues. Yet, as the days pass you just cannot seem to muster up the enthusiasm for being or having fun. Let alone the organization that a party calls for given your standards of perfection. But what to do, you can’t just back out! What will ‘they’ think? So you grudgingly go to the whole trouble, host the party and then just as the last guest is leaving let loose your fury on an unsuspecting spouse/ child/ house help because can’t they see how tired you are and don’t they know they need to help?

No. They actually can’t see it because they don’t know; because you never actually told them. 

We live in an ecosystem of toxic positivity where admitting we are less than okay is a throwback to the judgment and shaming we have heaped on ourselves and was reinforced by parental/ social comments. 

When this becomes a habitual state we then label it as anger management issues, anxiety, depression and it may even manifest as irritable bowel movement, asthma, chronic fatigue… These health issues are merely nudges asking us to tend to our inner needs. 

What you can do

Acknowledge the difficult emotions:

If you are feeling a difficult emotion like nervous, agitated, jealous, disrespected, resentful, insignificant, worthless, overwhelmed and out of control… acknowledge it to yourself first. Then articulate it to a friend or write in your journal. This will help lower the intensity of these feelings. Because feelings are not a call to reaction but a call to pay attention to them. You can use this information to make some practical changes. For example, taking the above party theme further you may want to outsource the catering entirely or partially; request a friend to come in early and assist you in the party games. Also, attend to your self-care needs such as maybe going in for spa treatment or whatever makes you feel cared for. At the very least put on some soothing music and move your body to its notes.

Hold two separate emotions together:

You are excited about the party because it’s been a long while since you hosted or were invited to one but it has stirred up these unwanted feelings of being inadequate all the same. That’s okay. Both these emotions are valid. We are all overwhelmed by the loss of social contact these past 18 months during the pandemic and it has stirred so many emotions of grief and sadness in us.

Sit in a quiet place and allow each of these emotions to occupy you fully all the while breathing deeply and evenly. When you are done, you may feel ‘settled’ and better able to look at your checklist without feeling quite so overwhelmed. Repeat this as often as you feel the need. 

Listen, just listen...

If you are the friend that is being sounded out on these conflicting emotions, listen without judgment or interrupting with a ‘oh but you were always so good at this…Truth is, s/he is not feeling good about it just at this moment. So just say ‘this must be difficult’, ‘It’s okay to allow yourself to feel imperfect sometimes’, ‘it’s okay to fail sometimes. Whatever your feelings they are all valid. The last thing to do is to say, be positive!

So, here’s a thought… the next time you feel like opting out of your own party, or not participating in something that is feeling uncomfortable for you, you can give yourself permission to do a Naomi Osaka (the Olympic tennis player), and simply say “I’m not really feeling up to it.” And sometimes you can also do a Simone Biles. Remember she opted out of one Olympic athletic event declaring that she wasn’t enjoying her sport, rather felt she was being compelled to participate for the medal. And then she participated in the next event saying she now felt up to it. Both honest, authentic responses.  Maybe, just maybe, you could host a year-end party and cancel the one you had planned on during the festival…

Who are you going to model? Osaka/ Biles/ the new you/ or just the old old you? Please share your thoughts with us in the comments section.